My Granny

I wrote this in response to Alejandro's original post "Dear God" here.

Alejandro...
I read your post about your grandmother. I was transported through time to 1996 to when my own "Granny" died after a 5 year battle with bone cancer. She too was the family matriarch. She is the one who used to rock me in her old wooden rocking chair as she sang and prayed over me. She is the one who told me repeatedly that God had a plan for my life and that He was calling me into His service. The entire family depended on her. She was our glue. She was a pillar of strength and unwavering faith.

She prayed for healing. I prayed for healing. We all prayed for healing. She rebounded and we thought she had it beat for a brief time. It was a temporary reprieve.

Cancer broke her back. Then cancer broke her hip. Cancer never broke her spirit. Over time we went from praying that she be healed to praying that the suffering would end. It eventually did.

Her death left us all broken and bewildered. Why, was asked often and fervently. She didn't deserve the agonizing and the suffering she had to endure. To put it bluntly...I was pissed! I was pissed at the cancer, the doctors, myself, everything, but mostly I was pissed at God! I thought that He could have intervened. Damnit, He should have intervened. But for whatever reason, she died. So did I. I felt like the one person who really knew me for who I was, had been stolen from me. She was my source of strength and confidence. She believed in me. Who was going to believe in me now? Who was going to encourage me. Who was going to love me unconditionally.

I was devasted. So was everyone else. We all leaned on her. We needed her. Her death violated me. It shook my theology and my faith. How could a "good God" allow her to go through that. How could a "good God" allow me to hurt like I did when she left? I didn't have answers and the one person I always went to when I didn't have answers was now gone as well. I felt so very alone and angry. So...I decided I was going to have a heart to heart talk with the big Kahuna. Man to Deity. I was mad, and by God (pun intended)I was going to get some answers. I talked to God...well, I yelled at God and I demanded to know "why." I told Him exactly how I felt. Abandoned. Offended. Betrayed. Misled. I told God in no uncertain terms that I didn't like what He had chosen.

Then when I was done. When I had said my piece. God spoke to me. I heard Him speak to my heart of hearts and He simply and lovingly said to me, "Danny, are you going to trust me when you don't understand me?"

What a loaded question. I thought about it very seriously. I knew my answer was important. After much thought, I said back to God, "What choice do I have, you are still God. There is no plan B. There is no alternative God to trust in. If I don't trust you then I go to Hell, right?" I said to Him with a broken heart and tears in my eyes, "Yes, I will trust you, even when I don't understand you!

Immediately, our loving and gracious Heavenly Father, gave me a sense of peace that I have difficulty explaining. I just knew beyond the shadow of a doubt that God loved me, that He loved my Granny. I didn't understand His purpose or His reasoning but I knew that somehow everything that happens is part of God's plan. There is no wasted human experience. God uses it all. Success and failure, victory and defeat. I didn't have the answers but I knew who did. Somehow knowing that the One who has all the answers also has me was enough. I truly experienced the peace that passes understanding.

Twelve years later, I still miss her tremendously; however, I can look back and see things with much more clarity. As long as Granny was here I leaned on her more than I trusted God. I have come to believe that all things work together for my good because I love God and I am called according to His purpose. Even her death.

After she died I used to go sit on the floor in her room and lean back against her bed. Man, I could feel her in that room. That was nice. It was comforting. I felt close to her even though she was in Heaven. I had done this on multiple occasions, but one day I was talking to God about her and He spoke to me again. He said, "Danny, what you feel in this room is not your Granny. It is Me. The thing you loved most about her is the way she made you feel. That was me, too. That feeling of unconditional love that you enjoyed so much was Me expressing My love for you through her. She only gave you what I gave her to give to you. I believe in you. I love you, completely and unconditionally. I am your source of strength and confidence.I am the one who really knows you for who you are."

I was overwhelmed with this revelation and I felt so sorry for doubting God's love for me. I knew instantly that God had given me the most powerful revelation I could be given. He showed me that all that I loved about Granny was really God Himself demonstrating His love for me through her.

It changed me, forever.

I hope that some day someone will get a revelation of God's love for them because God chose to demonstrate his love for them through me.

God did indeed heal her. If you could see her right now you would see someone who is whole and perfect. My granny is alive. In fact, she is more alive now than she ever was while she was in her earthly body. All that is lacking is made complete in the presence of the Living God. Yes, I miss her but I no longer feel abandoned. I know that she is not in my past but in my future and that God himself is my present.

I have never written this down before. You really triggered something in me with your post. I am praying for you and your grandmother. You are blessed to still have her even if she is declining. Enjoy her and cherish every moment you are blessed to have with her.

Danny Daniels